Tag Archives: regret

The Devastated Dreamer.

“I have always been a dreamer, you know? But in a world draped in illusions, I have always tried not to let it show. I think it’s the only place I can be myself anymore; where I can wrap myself in all my fears and firmly lock the door. But I do realize that there are these little windows; some, that inadvertently betray me. Sadistic smiles that grow wider as my memories force me into submission and flay me. I try not to let it break me, but I can’t hold out for long. The world needs to realize this is wrong, and that I’m not strong enough to drag my feet along the lines of sheer agony. This isn’t right. This can’t be right.

As I write this note, I realize I’m the only person who sits alone on in one dark corner on a rusty bench. My classmates all look at me with contorted faces like they inhaled a shitload of stench. It’s hard not to break; it’s harder not to let it take a little part of me away, everyday. But inevitably, it does.

I remember how the boys around me looked at me when I came here first. One by one, they tried their luck as I punctured their bubbles until they burst. Some mistook it for aggression, some mistook it for bitter pride; others said if they looked in my underpants they’d find a dick inside. I didn’t mind. I thought with time it would subside. The voices outside and inside my head have since, never died.

Only if humanity had learnt to empathize a little. Only if it could recognize the irony of a rough exterior protecting something brittle. I had never paid heed to chances: rejected all the advances not to be a holier-than-thou iconoclast, but only because of what I had to go through in the past.

I remember my 7 year old body being overpowered. I remember watching him standing over me as I cowered; pleading with him not to rape me. I remember screaming until I wanted to bleed to death, I remember wanting to drain myself of every last breath until I begged to God himself to take me. That pain. Never again.

Since then I have tried to build my defences for an eternity. I have locked myself inside and wallowed in self pity. No one will understand the rage I feel, or how it feels like to never heal. No one will feel the goosebumps on my skin, or feel the blood in my body boil from within when anyone mentions the mere concept of intimacy. All I do is close my eyes, take my mind back to that time; for the wounds to open, and for my hate to push me into overdrive. If only you could taste this hate.

So as I write this, I maintain that I still like to dream. It is what I am, it is what I’ve always been. Call me ignorant, call me a lesbian cunt, call me something sharp, call me something blunt; but that will never change the sheer brunt that I carry on my shoulders. I could lift one shirt sleeve up far and show you the ugly marks and the scars, the reminders of a dark and distant past, but I wont. Your simple, plain lives will never grasp the essence of something so animalistic, so gory. And to think everything around me would have been so different had people only asked me for my story. But if you can’t understand devastation and its themes, I suggest you leave, and leave me to my self and my devastated dreams. I have illusions to break, I have delusions to chase, I have memories to confront, I have nightmares to face. I promised myself I wouldn’t whine, I wouldn’t moan; but just sometimes I can’t do this alone. I hope sometimes that people would be different instead of being indifferent. Is that too much to ask for?

Until that happens, I’ll choose to live a little like this. In a world where silence is my sanctum and ignorance is bliss. My demons can pummel me into living hell with an iron fist, but with a cold heart and steely nerves I can resist and nurse these wounds that hell has kissed. And I swear to every single one of you that nothing will be missed; all I ask, is that you let me dream.”

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The Mask of Shame.

His eyes darted around like a pesky housefly, trying to survey every corner of the bus,

trying to look for an unwary target in the crowd, amidst all the commotion and ruckus.

All he wanted was a small window of opportunity, in which he could use his skills,

As soon he’d see someone with his guard down, he knew he would go for the kill.

He’d trained for years as an expert pickpocket, he had mastered the art of stealth,

He had used it wisely over the years, and that had got him a fair bit of wealth.

He loved the thrill of every little crime, it made him more eager for the next attempt,

No longer a passion but an obsession now, it was all he breathed and of what he dreamt.

He saw scores of people come and leave, but he knew they weren’t the ones he’d seek,

His hands were itching to get to work, as he felt his excitement hit it’s absolute peak.

And then he spotted a figure to his side, and suddenly he knew his chance had come,

He was looking at someone evidently fatigued, his shoulders droopy and eyes were numb.

He put on his most sincere, innocent face, as he sneaked carefully to the bus’s rear,

He couldn’t help, but chuckle a little, this would be the easiest heist of his career.

As soon as the bus braked he threw himself ahead, and gave the man a powerful shove,

As the man fell down in a heap he rushed forward, the ever helpful stranger filled with love.

“You ok sir?” He asked ,as he pulled up the man slowly, quickly sliding his hand onto his wallet,

“If you’re hurt really bad, we could bring an ambulance, just give me the word and I will call it.”

The man stood up, obviously dishevelled, he just flashed the smallest hint of a weak smile,

He smiled back and then got off at the next stop, and then grinned at his own genius and guile.

He walked to the nearest deserted corner, as he eagerly emptied the wallet he’d just flicked,

Laughing at how the man’s face would look, once he discovered he was so cleverly tricked.

As he overturned the wallet and shook it a little, two pieces of folded paper jumped out,

As he unfolded the first one with his nimble fingers, an astonished gasp escaped his mouth.

He was looking at a cheque for 2 lakh rupees, for a second he wouldn’t believe his eyes,

He shouted out in pure, unblemished ecstasy, it was the dawn of a new day in paradise.

He hurriedly grabbed the second piece of paper, praying for more money that he could claim,

But as he opened it he realised it wasn’t a cheque, but he just kept reading on all the same.

“Dear Mother, I have finally hit the magical number! And I did it with just a day to spare,

Now I can finally pay for my cancer surgery, and move immediately into intensive care.

To think the margins of death are so slim Ma, the doctor said a day more and I would’ve faced death,

But don’t worry I’ve toiled and got it in time, I’ll soon begin the long road to recovering my health.

I’m going to give the cheque to the hospital today, I knew you’d love to know it before hand,

I know we don’t have a house or any money to spare, but Ma today I feel so overjoyed and grand!

I love you, so do wipe off those tears now please? Your son is going to be alright I swear.

I promised you, I’ll always be around didn’t I? See, even God knows I’m going nowhere.”

Horrified he tore away his eyes from the letter, he couldn’t find the strength to read any further,

His obsession had cost someone his life, he was no longer a mastermind of theft, but cold murder.

He felt his tears of happiness fade into the void, the guilt was pummelling his soul into a hollow,

He destroyed not one, but many lives at once, the facts were true and difficult to swallow.

He renounced his thieving ways once and forever, he’d never again indulge in this terrible game,

The mask of a thief was one he could no longer don, he’d now wear for eternity a mask of shame.

 


The Meaning Behind.

The wind was blowing my cloak away, but I wasn’t the least bit bothered

The events of the past day were flashing by, it had left me firmly smothered.

Last afternoon before he left to board the flight, I had taken all my anger out

Let all my ire and emotions out in the open, leaving not a single shadow of doubt.

 

I was tired of being told what to do time and again, so I decided to make my case

Whatever frustrations lay dead and buried, had been revived when I saw his face.

“I’m just done being your son for now, all right?, I want to be the master of my own free will.

How will I learn to live and fight for tomorrow, if you keep me bound to the same old drill?”

 

“I swear I hate you like I hate hell Dad, I regret I didn’t stomp my foot down

Thanks for making me feel like a humiliated jerk, no better than a circus clown.”

I remember all that he did was turn around, and tiredly shake his head

His pale eyes gleamed right into mine, and this is what he said.

 

“I’m sorry if I hurt you in all these ways son, I promise I meant no pain

I’m sorry for the times I stressed you out, if you don’t forgive me I’ll ask again.

Thats when he turned around and closed the door, and everything went quiet

I went to swim in my pool of anger, all his theories.. I wouldn’t buy it.

 

And then my eyes grew really heavy, and they slowly drooped until they closed

I didn’t know how much time had passed, so much pressure it had posed.

Then I saw my cell phone slowly blinking, and I stretched my arm to reach

Saw “Message from Dad” on the screen, what did he have left now to preach?

 

But on impulse I pressed the read button, half of me not wanting to browse it

I decided if it got too lame and boring, I would just immediately douse it.

But as I read the first line of the message, I couldn’t take my eyes off the text

My eyes were staring at my phone in disbelief, all I recall was pressing “next”.

 

“Dear son I won’t be here for long now, I certainly don’t have time in my pockets

My plane slid off the runway 2 mins ago, in a few the temperature will soar like rockets

All I wanted to say was that I’m really sorry, I never meant to cause you pain

I was just worried about your future, cause there are millions who miss their train.

 

All I ever wanted was to see you standing, on your own two feet with pride

To have everything to you ever wished for, from God and fate by your side.

I know there were times I was blatantly rude, moments when I seemed incessantly rough

I did it all to make sure that when you get the call, you wouldn’t fall short of being too tough.

 

So if there was any way I could pray for forgiveness, I’m doing so in my final seconds

Before the hand of destiny lulls me to sleep, before death’s shadow finally beckons.

Do always know I’ll watch you from above, to guide you whenever it is required

I hope I have enough experience in my armoury, which in 40 long years I acquired

 

I love you a lot son and always will, don’t you ever even dare forget that

However bad and horrible things get between us, however ugly our spat.

Tell your Mom I love her a lot too, please don’t think I’m leaving you in dearth

You’ve had my love and utmost respect, ever since the time of your birth.”

 

The message ended there but my finger kept pressing, the button hoping there was more

knowing I was reading my father’s last thoughts, made my heart break and mind go sore.

Even though we had our share of fights, his last message filled me with pride

Because he wanted only the best for me, right until the moment he died.

 

So thats how the last day had passed, the wind still breezed through my cloak

The clouds grew darker by the minute, the rain fell on me and I was soaked.

I have no grave to pay my respects to, his body wasn’t found they stated

The fire from the plane had done his last rites, by God’s own hands cremated.