Tag Archives: rape

The Devastated Dreamer.

“I have always been a dreamer, you know? But in a world draped in illusions, I have always tried not to let it show. I think it’s the only place I can be myself anymore; where I can wrap myself in all my fears and firmly lock the door. But I do realize that there are these little windows; some, that inadvertently betray me. Sadistic smiles that grow wider as my memories force me into submission and flay me. I try not to let it break me, but I can’t hold out for long. The world needs to realize this is wrong, and that I’m not strong enough to drag my feet along the lines of sheer agony. This isn’t right. This can’t be right.

As I write this note, I realize I’m the only person who sits alone on in one dark corner on a rusty bench. My classmates all look at me with contorted faces like they inhaled a shitload of stench. It’s hard not to break; it’s harder not to let it take a little part of me away, everyday. But inevitably, it does.

I remember how the boys around me looked at me when I came here first. One by one, they tried their luck as I punctured their bubbles until they burst. Some mistook it for aggression, some mistook it for bitter pride; others said if they looked in my underpants they’d find a dick inside. I didn’t mind. I thought with time it would subside. The voices outside and inside my head have since, never died.

Only if humanity had learnt to empathize a little. Only if it could recognize the irony of a rough exterior protecting something brittle. I had never paid heed to chances: rejected all the advances not to be a holier-than-thou iconoclast, but only because of what I had to go through in the past.

I remember my 7 year old body being overpowered. I remember watching him standing over me as I cowered; pleading with him not to rape me. I remember screaming until I wanted to bleed to death, I remember wanting to drain myself of every last breath until I begged to God himself to take me. That pain. Never again.

Since then I have tried to build my defences for an eternity. I have locked myself inside and wallowed in self pity. No one will understand the rage I feel, or how it feels like to never heal. No one will feel the goosebumps on my skin, or feel the blood in my body boil from within when anyone mentions the mere concept of intimacy. All I do is close my eyes, take my mind back to that time; for the wounds to open, and for my hate to push me into overdrive. If only you could taste this hate.

So as I write this, I maintain that I still like to dream. It is what I am, it is what I’ve always been. Call me ignorant, call me a lesbian cunt, call me something sharp, call me something blunt; but that will never change the sheer brunt that I carry on my shoulders. I could lift one shirt sleeve up far and show you the ugly marks and the scars, the reminders of a dark and distant past, but I wont. Your simple, plain lives will never grasp the essence of something so animalistic, so gory. And to think everything around me would have been so different had people only asked me for my story. But if you can’t understand devastation and its themes, I suggest you leave, and leave me to my self and my devastated dreams. I have illusions to break, I have delusions to chase, I have memories to confront, I have nightmares to face. I promised myself I wouldn’t whine, I wouldn’t moan; but just sometimes I can’t do this alone. I hope sometimes that people would be different instead of being indifferent. Is that too much to ask for?

Until that happens, I’ll choose to live a little like this. In a world where silence is my sanctum and ignorance is bliss. My demons can pummel me into living hell with an iron fist, but with a cold heart and steely nerves I can resist and nurse these wounds that hell has kissed. And I swear to every single one of you that nothing will be missed; all I ask, is that you let me dream.”

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The Days I Dread.

I will never forget,
those days of dread.
I blinked back tears
a million fears,
saw crushed veneer,
I was almost dead.
But I lay hanging
by a thread,
Dangling, dangerously
like the thoughts in my head.

Pain, rejections,
Drugs, injections
Confusion, haze
A never ending maze.
I thought, fought
dried up like a drought,
never wanting to wake up
again.

And then you walked in,
Through the pain, the sins
and you made me smile,
from within.
I learnt to live,
I learnt to give,
A part of me wanted to breathe
again.

You shone bright
All in spite,
of dark rooms
with flickering lights.
You were the best thing
I had ever met,
How can I forget
those days of dread?

And now you lie
In a hospital bed,
Not a word, no sign
of anything said.
Your skin untouched,
but your soul has bled.
You are quiet,
But I can hear you cry out for help.

They told me why,
silence is your drape
6 monsters,
took turns to rape.
Used, abused,
no escape.
Battered, shattered
You screamed for help,
It never came.

How I wish
I could save,
Your life, your essence,
from a fate so grave.
Something, anything
to keep you brave,
as your hope, your senses cripple
and give away.

I hate how much
I couldn’t do.
Couldn’t give back
how much I got from you.
You wiped those tears
when I was crying,
Now I’m alive
and you are dying.
But I’m going to sit here,
and wait.
And keep trying
to delve just once
Into your head
Repeat every single word you said
Hoping, praying
It brings you back from the dead
But right now
as I sit beside your bed
Time inching, crawling
limping ahead,
I can’t help remembering
those days of dread
The ones that I
will never forget.


Demons.

Her mind at the peak of her innocence, as pure as it had ever been,
Living and loving all that crossed her path, she was a gentle soul of just fifteen.
She had the right to make her own mistakes, so she could be strong enough to decide,
When she was ready to stay up on her feet, without being swayed by the world’s dark side.

But as she embraced life in a world of her own, she was convinced the world couldn’t be bad,
So she choose to wander outside her little bubble, even farther then she ever had.
One night she trusted herself a little too much, as she ventured too far into the dark,
Unaware that even at an age so brittle, the world she didn’t know had her marked.

A shadow which blended so perfectly into the night, grabbed her before she could even realize,
A hand on her mouth muffled her shouts, and no one could hear the screams in her eyes.
Her struggles proved to be embarrassingly weak, as she flailed wildly out of shock,
Then suddenly she felt a fist crush her face, like someone smashed her head with a rock.

Fear, shock and the taste of blood, ruptured the very foundations of her trust from within,
She prayed and begged for a little mercy, as she felt her clothes ripped away from her skin.
Shoved to the ground with such reckless force, she couldn’t get up even when she tried,
And then her screams tore the night’s silence, as something threatened to rip her insides.

As she felt the shadow finally drift away, she screamed until her throat almost erupted,
Her blood boiling with rage and betrayal, as all her 15 years of faith lay disrupted.
Her mind, white like her skin drained of blood, bereft of thoughts and intentions that mattered,
As she suffered pain beyond her worst nightmares, and her soul lay ashamed and tattered.

All that she had learnt throughout her life, in one night now failed to make sense,
As she lay in the cold, naked and sore, not a single person rushed to her defense.
As the night went on she lay unable to move, until she felt people lifting her off the floor,
“It’s okay, you’re going to be fine now.” insensitive to what had just shook her to her core.

Months after that night scarred her memories, yet the demons roamed around in her head,
Dark circles reminiscent of the dark night she faced, traces of her lovely smile all but dead.
Never again would she trust anyone anymore, never a sound night’s sleep on her bed,
Empty spaces left her with terror in her heart, darkness an inexplicable feeling of dread.

 She sits repulsed at going into that world again, afraid of strangers and their revolting leers,
Caught in a place where loneliness is what she wants, but being left alone is what she fears.
She wonders if she’ll ever find herself again, if she’ll ever rediscover that lost feeling,
Tired of trying to move beyond the closed doors, trying to rise beyond an invisible ceiling.

She wonders if she’ll ever feel like herself again, if she’ll ever be able to leave everything behind,
She wonders if she’ll get her memories to stop raping every single thought in her mind.
Darkness in her days and darkness in her nights, she waits for something to make her whole,
For something to erase those million scars, permanently etched and engraved into her soul.