A Cold Day in Hell.

A little piece of your selfish heart, was all I set out to borrow,

But all you ever left me with, was this river full of sorrow.

You made me feel I was special, I guess they were blatant lies,

Honeyed words which meant nothing, yet they left me mesmerized.

 

Was the burden of expectations too heavy, for a man you claimed to be?

I’m the one carrying all of them now, with no one to turn to but me.

How is it that after all that you said to me, one night was all you craved?

I thought you were a man of your words, from the things you said you braved.

 

I can’t even describe the kind of joy I had, when I was told I’d have your kid,

I felt it was the most special gift we ever got, amongst all things we ever did.

Why was it that you left us then, was it because of something that I lack?

Because one moment you were next to me, then you vanished behind back.

 

Now I stand in this lonely clinic, and the reason you left unfurled,

Now I’m ready to kill what we made, even before it could see the world.

The sympathy in the doctor’s eyes, just couldn’t be any more fake,

All I wanted was to try and muster all the courage I’d need to take.

 

I don’t know if there’s a single moment, that in your time with me you treasure,

Or that you did it all to get me in bed for one stupid, carnival of pleasure?

Where is your guilt and your conscience? Don’t you ever feel a bit ashamed?

It’s impossible that you’re even human, if all those demons inside you’ve tamed.

 

It’s not just my mind you’ve played with, every part of me feels abused,

I feel like some kind of plastic bag, that you throw away after it’s used.

I never knew you could stoop so low and that you’d turn into such a creep,

To love me for my body and not my mind, you give a new definition to cheap.

 

But you know what happened that night when I was supposed to kill our child?

Something stirred deep inside of me, and like your feelings it wasn’t mild.

The voice inside so rightly said, that things would look up real soon,

I would reach the top again, just like the sun did everyday at noon.

 

So I walked out of the clinic door once more, the baby untouched and free from grief,

The clean blood running through its malformed veins, nothing like it’s father’s, the thief.

I guess among all this torture I went through, I learnt to hold on a little bit longer,

And holding on to something I really love, made me just that little bit stronger.

 

But some things are never meant to be, so I made the harder choice,

I had to let my lovely baby go, but I promised I’d make no noise.

Beause I stand alone in my life, getting money to survive on was rare,

And who else would my baby look up to, except me, for the love and care?

 

What will I tell him when he grows up, about his father who was never there?

I guess every child has one by their side, would the absence of his be fair?

All these things they pricked me, pulled my mind and heart to pieces,

There just seemed no right or wrong, no proper, logical thesis.

 

So I stood outside the clinic once more, the tears filled my eyes to the brim,

Everything that seemed sorted out before, suddenly had turned so grim.

I can’t bear to see my own child out in the cold, grappling with life to struggle,

Breadwinner, son, husband, protector… just seemed too much stuff to juggle.

 

So I built up that strength to walk through, sad but clear in my intentions,

I wasn’t going to change my mind this time, it was bereft of all pretensions.

The doctor and the nurse’s faces again, hid behind emotions built with lies,

I could hardly have cared any less.. I was making the ultimate sacrifice.

 

I pulled on the patients robe, fully damp… with tears and sweat as slick as gel,

I lay down on the operation table, for the beginning of a very cold day in hell.

 

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About thedevastateddreamer

The world is on its knees. How far can you crawl? View all posts by thedevastateddreamer

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